I’m sure many of you have heard of the concept (and book) espousing the virtues of saying “no” more. Why should we say no more? Many people I work with are overburdened. A primary cause is not being able to say no. I get it. I was advised (when starting this business five years ago) to “Say yes to everything until you’re in a position to say no.” That advice has some merit, but it delayed progress, impacted family, and harmed health.
I also understand the pressure and fear associated with incentives, job security, fires that need putting out, etc. I spent 13 years in an environment where if we didn’t hit numbers (utilisation, billing, meetings, etc.), we’d lose out (bonuses to firing). In that context, saying “no” seemed self-sabotage. But actually, it would have saved a LOT of time and increased productivity.
So when, how, and to whom should we say no? Let’s start with whom to say no to. I will cover how and when in the following two newsletters.
Guilt, chaos, and equity
I’ve mentored 25+ people in the past three years. Most have been lovely. A couple have been challenging. One person approached the mentoring relationship with the expectation that I should help them “get a leg up” by giving away all of the risk assessment tools I’d built for free and training them on how to use them to jump-start their rival business. This occurred as Covid bit, and their rationale played on guilt (gender, race, locational income disparity). It was hard to say no.
Another mentee was always in a panic, poorly organised, wanting last-minute calls, and then would ghost appointments. A few weeks ago, they sent a brief email (years after I ended the formal mentorship) saying, “Hey, I am looking for work in Europe. Can you… [onerous request to open up your hard-earned network and introduce them to me.]” It wasn’t pleasant, but explaining that I cannot recommend someone to my network who (frequently) behaved in an unreliable manner was important.
Then some folks want (regular) free advice, competitors fishing for ideas, fair-weather collaborators, requests for out-of-scope work or additional requests from those with poor payment histories, and those pushing conferences and publications who want your time/IP. Saying no here depends. My metric is simple:
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
I trust but verify. I usually meet with people once, go the extra mile, or write that article (assuming it’s a legit publication) once. But I’ve learned to go in with clear ground rules, including:
- Effort: specify limits from the start (e.g., one free 45-minute strategy call, 30-minute presentation on topic X, etc.).
- Roles and goals: who will do what and defining outcomes (important in mentoring or informal agreements).
- Costs: e.g., 50% downpayment on all project work.
- Equity: if you’re making money, should I not? (e.g., events organisers).
- Alignment: “Equity” can be getting in front of the right audience (e.g., attendee lists, readership data, promoting the book, etc.).
Without precise specifications and agreement on the relevant parameters, it’s a “no.” Remember, saying “no” is not a sign of weakness but a way to protect your time, energy, and resources and ensure you are not exploited.
I appreciate that saying no to those with power (bosses especially) may be challenging, but try these next time:
💡 Why this? Politely ask them to explain why this issue is a priority. Mirroring language can help here. “If we don’t finish this this week, it could be a major problem.” “A major problem?” Usually, with some mirroring language, we can bargain down the panickers from imminent doom to something more realistic.
💡 Why now? Often, asking a few probing questions will reveal a world of assumptions (or screw-ups on their part that they must own). For instance, “We need to get this to Senior Leader X by tomorrow.” Ask: When did they ask for it? Did they specify they needed it tomorrow? Is there any particular reason why (e.g., a board meeting)? Could we do a 15-minute call instead to brief them, and your team could summarise the call into a few bullet points for them?
💡 Why me? If it’s your role, don’t use this. But for those requests from responsibility-dodgers, push back, as this can be difficult to justify. What you’re saying with this is, “Why not you?”
💡 Costs & constraints: Explain your time, budget, or other parameters. Reason is suitable for people who haven’t considered the effort (and cost-benefit) associated with their request.
Then there’s the scary (for many of us) final “no.” Saying no because you don’t want to.
I’m not advocating that we refuse to do our jobs. In some contexts, requests don’t work for us. Last weekend, a collaborator on a project wanted a call on Sunday morning, as they’d let the previous week get away from them. That’s on them, not me. Years ago, I might have begrudgingly and resentfully made time. Now I said, “No. That doesn’t work for me.” I was taking my son climbing, but they don’t need to know that. You and I don’t owe people explanations if they haven’t considered us and/or taken personal responsibility.
Being firm is an act of self-care and self-respect. Other people need to learn to own their messes. They won’t until we start saying “no” more.
EUCS3D - The Empire Strikes Back (meekly)
A few weeks after Germany and Italy voted down the EU’s Corporate Sustainability Due Diligence Directive, it’s back and might now (finally) pass. The number of companies who would have been caught has shrunk by 2/3rds. How?
👉 The threshold number of employees is now 1,000 (from 500). 👉 The revenue is up to €450 million (from €150 million). 👉 The lower thresholds for “high-risk sectors” have been waived for now.
EUCS3D, like much legislation, is drafted by pious bureaucrats with seemingly negligible experience in high-risk markets with a low-no background of transparency in reporting. It largely ignores the challenges with power (what if you’re a small customer to that high-risk supplier, why would they bother to fulfil onerous compliance forms accurately?) or access (good luck auditing Tier 4 raw materials providers in inner Mongolia, for example).
It remains to be seen how the EU enforces. They’ve been woefully ineffective on most integrity-related self-set rules (especially sanctions) and clumsy with others (e.g., data).
But that doesn’t mean CS3D isn’t a good idea.
BUT, we need to prioritise. Mid-caps, SMEs and others (regardless of whether you’re captured by the regulation) should know more about the inputs into their supply chain and end-use of their products or services. NGOs, media, and consumers are doing a better job of “regulating” businesses that (un)knowingly harm environmental and human inputs. Ignorance is not a defence.
The key is to rightsize. With that in mind, I’m updating the model below (a newer version, following a progression and with clearer steps at each stage) as a template to help get started. If you want to talk it through, you know where to find me.
IKIGAI